Well, here we go. Thanks to Hollywood and their quite frankly bigoted ways, I’m forced to make this column so you realize what they think of you. Welcome to the Weekly Woke Report.

Ya see, there was a time when different races and sexes and whatnot didn’t feel so forced. Take a look at the cast of the original Alien:

You got a good mix, especially for 1979. But nothing was made about it. It was just a thing because people like Sigourney Weaver, Yaphet Kotto, and Veronica Cartwright were perfect for their parts. Not because they were trying to meet some virtue signalling diversity quota.

You see, it’s not having these diverse casts that bothers me. It’s because Hollywood thinks that as a white guy, it DOES bother me. THAT BOTHERS ME.

In other words, I don’t care you have a diverse cast. I care you think I do. I care you think that because I’m white and a male that I’m also all the ISTs you can think of. Racist, sexist, etc. It didn’t bother me forty years ago, it didn’t bother me twenty years ago but now all of a sudden, I’m a terrible person.

Well, fuck you.

This is what is ruining movies. Because NOW I can’t help but notice things I SHOULDN’T be noticing. I can’t separate what might be really good casting with some virtue signalling bullshit. I don’t WANT to have to think about this. I don’t WANT to be “woke.”

It’s simply no fun.

So, now I have a column that will point out how Hollywood is actually all the ISTs I speak of. All they care about is skin color, and how much they love showing how condescending inclusive they are. And just in case I could possibly be the last white guy on earth not noticing these things, they commit some of most truly absurd casting choices just to drive the point home on what good people they are.

Take the new Mandalorian trailer. Who is the first face you see?

Virtue Achieved. Unlocked Status Upgrade 1.

Why it’s a kindly black man! Ok, maybe he’s awesome, I don’t know. I want to be fair. Let’s see the next character.

Virtue Unlocked. Status Upgraded to 3

Why it’s a lady! Don’t worry, she’ll be stunning and brave with no faults or weaknesses. She will be able to take down a Wookiee barehanded. You watch.

Who’s next?

Virtue Achieved. Status Upgrade 8! This is double.

Whoa HO! A mother, the toughest job any person has ever had in the history of the planet! I’m certain she’s getting #MeToo’d in this picture! Man, this is really going to get the creators invites to the best Kathleen Kennedy parties!

Who’s next?

Virtue Achieved. Double points for internal conflict. Status Upgrade 12.

Woo. Another black man. Appears to be with the Stormtroopers but is clearly conflicted about it. Don’t worry, there are no more bad black people in Hollywood movies anymore. It’s a law. So he’s really got a heart of gold.

Finally…

Virtue Achieved. Old evil white guy. Status Upgrade 10000000

Ah. Old white guy. Clearly has power, you can tell cause he has a medallion. Clearly evil. Has no virtues whatsoever.

Look Hollywood, this is what you deem as important so I’m playing you at your own game. I would prefer it if it wasn’t even a thing. That I could go back to not noticing these things and just wonder if I’m going to get a good story, with lots of pew pew lasers. Is that so much to ask?

Apparently.

But in case you don’t believe me, let’s take a quick look at the Lady And The Tramp trailer. Now Jim Dear and Darling in the turn of the century America are this:

An affluent mixed-race couple in the early 1900s. Yeah, that was a thing. When you’re this absurd that it takes me right out of the storytelling? I wonder why it isn’t even coming out in theaters, clearly, you had your priorities on telling a good story of a timeless classic. You know, like Walt used to.

Walt was well known for his virtue signalling.

Each and every week there seems to be more and more absurd bullshit coming, and mostly it’s about abusing our franchises, so we begin to hate the very things we used to love. I hate the insane stupid priorities of Hollywood. I hate that individual characters are not as important as what victim group they are representing. I hate that bigots are now in charge.

Come back every week for more uplifting and cheerful columns just like this one!

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