Today is Revenge of the Fifth, the day after Star Wars day. I had a good day, I saw the OT again and loved every minute of them. The only downside to the day was eating way too much chocolate and crisps and now I feel Sith (sick).

It was nice reading about your happy times with Star Wars, the fun you had a kid playing with the toys, watching them in the cinema.

Today being the Fifth, you can now feel free to vent your anger at Disney and what they have done to such a beloved franchise.

Disney

I said from day one that Disney buying Star Wars was a bad idea. I had no idea how right I would be. At first, there was excitement. There was going to be a new Star Wars movie every year until the end of time! YAY! But then…

The Force Awakens

I do remember being excited about this. It was a new Star Wars movie with Luke, Han, Leia, Chewie back, and with new characters, Finn, Poe and Rey.

To be honest, I kind of fell in love with Rey in the first 10 minutes. When she’s making her dinner, sat by the AT-AT, with her space helmet on, wondering where the galaxy will take her.

But that soon faded. We learn that Rey has a minimal character arc. She can fly the Falcon perfectly having no previous training, she can use the Force with no previous training, she can do the Jedi Mind trick on James Bond with no previous training and she can take on a trained Sith with a lightsabre with no previous training.

The simple message was girls are great at everything and don’t need no man!

Fynn was a First Order trooper with a conscience, and that’s his character done for the trilogy. Poe was a great pilot, and that’s his character arc done for the trilogy.

OK, so BB8 is cool, and even cooler when you find out the thing was real. Oh, Captain Phasma, a strong female baddie will can get our teeth into…annnnnnd she’s killed on in the next movie having done zero with her character.

And wait, there’s an Emperor like guy, Snoke, pulling the strings….annnnnnnd he’s dead in the next movie having done zero with his character.

What about the main bad guy, Kylo Ren? Nope, he’s just a whiny baby Darth Vader wannabe. Fine, it was cool he could use the Force to stop a blaster bolt, but then Poe’s ‘comical’ interaction with him, took all of that danger and mystery away.

The rest of the movie was OK, until they killed off Han. Now, I actually didn’t mind this since it was showing Kylo failing deeper into the dark side. It delivered stakes. Well, that’s how I saw it, but they still killed off Han. I do remember thinking “…but they haven’t had Han, Luke and Leia together yet!”

The Last Jedi

If you’re not angry enough, here’s a pic of Rian to really get the bloody boiling.

This movie was a clusterfuck of a film!

Leia is killed off, and done well I thought, but no, she ‘Mary Poppins’ back to life only to then have next to nothing to do for the rest of the movie.

Instead of having Leia, we get Holdo. A straightforward “I’m a woman and therefore know better than a man” type of leader who then presents absolutely no evidence of this. Who doesn’t encourage the people that follow her. She just has a plan and doesn’t share it, pissing everyone off in the process.

Then we meet Rose Tico. She was only there to show that shallow Hollywood diversity and deliver lines on how slavery is bad and rich people are evil. A message all Star Wars fans had finally been waiting to hear about. The entire sequence on that gambling planet was an entire waste of time.

It introduced us to DJ who just turned up, helped out, sold out and left.

Hey at least we can look forward to seeing Luke training Rey, right? Nope, Luke is now a pussy because of a bad dream and Rey has to train herself because, you know, women don’t need men! Luke drinks from the tit of a space slug and eventually dies because he gets tired using the Force.

Ultimately Disney had a plan to kill of Luke and replace him, a white privileged male, with Rey who is a strong, independent woman! With Luke now killed, they were ready for…

The Rise Of Skywalker

If you thought The Last Jedi was clusterfuck, you ain’t seen nothing yet!

Palpatine is back “somehow”, he was growing Snokes in a jar, he’s managed to build the biggest fleet in the history of history itself, but we have no idea how. It just starts as if we have missed an entire movie somewhere.

Not only is he back and built this fleet, but he also had the time to settle down, have kids, and then grandkids, one of whom is Rey. Disney shouldn’t really steal scripts from Days of our Lives.

I can’t really go into the rest of the story much, since I just can’t really recall it. They look for a thing that points them to a hidden planet. Stormtroopers can fly now. They randomly meet up with Lando, because, you know, nostalgia.

Then there is this:

I still don’t get the end of the movie. Palpatine says if he gets killed he’ll posses the body of Rey, but that doesn’t happen. Rey is all the Jedi now? There’s Force Heal? Anakin would have liked to have known that. Maybe grow some new legs with it.

There are the Knights of Ren that don’t do anything again. Kylo and Rey kiss out of nowhere.

This movie was a mess of epic proportions. At least, at the very end, Rey says she’s now a Skywalker finally killing off Luke’s legacy of white male rule…and killing off the entire fan base of white males that wanted to be Luke as kids. Women are great – the end!

I haven’t even mentioned Hux, since his arc was utterly pointless come the end.

The Mandalorian

At least some of Star Wars was being made by people who actually had a love for it. And, credit where credit is due, The Mandalorian was pretty good. The end of the second series was brilliant and gave the fans what they wanted.

Sorry for the quality of the meme, but:

The Book Of Boba Fett

Disney had us all fooled and we thought we could love again, but like being married to Amber Heard, they shit in the bed.

The Book Of Boba Fett wasn’t terrible, it was just bland. It took a great and mysterious character and made him as limp as Luke was in The Last Jedi.

Now, we’re all “looking forward” to Obi-Wan Kenobi. I am a “glass is half full” type of guy, so I’m going to watch it with a glimmer of hope that it might actually be OK, but OK is all I can hope for.

OK, so let it all out. How do you feel about Star Wars now? How do you feel about Disney?

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