Cause for Celebration

It’s official, The Legend of Zelda could run for President if it had been born in America and was a person and not a piece of software.

The Legend of Zelda first came into existence on the Famicom Disk System, a far cry from the golden cartridge that Americans would soon find synonymous with the game.

Legend of Zelda
If Baker Sees This, Tell Him I Hate Him

Growing up, I favored Super Mario Bros. more in Nintendo’s dichotomy of landmark titles, but I played my share of The Legend of Zelda. Being young and not owning the game until years later, though, I was never able to progress very far when I would pick it up for a weekend rental.

I’ve owned the cartridge and also picked it up on the Wii Virtual Console, which I have since transitioned to my Wii U. Despite having it in my collection for years, I’ve never actually beaten the original The Legend of Zelda.

Sure, I’ve set out numerous times with the intent of beating it, but I tend to just give up around dungeons 6 and 7. Given the major milestone this game has just reached, though, it’s time to give it another go.

Instead of playing the American release, which wouldn’t come out for over another year, I’m playing the re-release of the Japanese version of the Game Boy Advance. Let’s see if this time will finally be the one that frees Princess Zelda from the evil clutches of Ganon.

And It Just Got Weirder From There

The Adventure Begins

Having started and stopped so many times, I remember the location of most of the easy hearts I can nab right at the beginning of the game. It feels like cheating to load up on so much extra life before the first dungeon, but we are at war with Ganon and his army of monsters!

Truly, How the Game Was Meant to Be Played

After nabbing the hearts, it’s time for the first dungeon, which is pretty easy on its own. One piece of the triforce down, motherhubbards!

The hardest part about the second dungeon is remembering where it is. I recall the general area, but I always seem to overlook the correct path on the first try. This is another fairly easy dungeon as long as the player can decrypt what the “Dodongo Dislikes Smoke” message means. This is even more difficult when I don’t speak or read Japanese.

When I stop to think about it, “dislikes” is kind of a weak term. I assume a lot of creatures in Hyrule dislike smoke. Thanks for stating the obvious, you old fuck!

I Cant Wait to Bomb Dodongos!

From there, Link’s pudgy ass treks across the river to go to the third dungeon. Nothing particularly interesting about this place other than it’s shaped liked a swastika. And since I’m the first person to ever point that out, I will sit back and await my accolades.

With the raft looted from the dungeon, I can grab another heart piece and set sail for the fourth dungeon. After defeating this boss, my hero turns the page in his journey. Somewhere along the line, I picked up the new sword from the old man in the mountains—and he doesn’t want them painted!

On the Road to Death Mountain

Before taking on the fifth dungeon, I wander around a graveyard to find the master sword, which is apparently something I can do in this game, too!

At this point, I can either march towards the fifth dungeon, high up in the mountains or grind for enough rupees to earn the blue ring. I decide on the latter.

If I’m going to grind, though, I’m gonna need some help from one of my magic potions. Since I’m playing The Legend of Zelda, in the spirit of honoring the tri-force, I break out the Triple Sec!

For the Princess!

I know there’s some fuckers around here hiding in bushes and shit that will just like give me money as long as I keep it a secret. I’m not gay, but rupees is rupees.

I can’t find any of those fuckers, but I did stumble across that asshole playing the money-making game. Fucker took 50 rupees off me before I gave up and went back to grinding…

A Slight Detour

I’m getting bored with this running around killing the same few enemies in hopes of getting a rupee or two. What else is there that honors this game’s rich history?

The Face of Premature Ejaculation

So I’m watching this cartoon, and for some reason Link uses his belt to attach him and Zelda together to fight off Ganon’s minions. It’s kind of like that episode of Cobra Kai where Daniel is trying to teach his daughter and that pretty boy balance or some shit and gets the idea from the wobbly tire.

Remember the Karate Kid game on NES? What a piece of crap that was. I should play it just to see how bad it is.

Ah, still terrible

Anyway, the episode ends with Link trying to guilt Zelda into giving him a kiss. He’s almost successful until Sprite, the fairy, comes and unties the belt holding them together. She mugs for the camera and the credits roll.

Back to Business

So I turn back on the game, and it turns out I didn’t save my progress or some shiz. I’m pretty pissed and drunk at this point, so I go back to watching the cartoon. It’s a pretty barebones DVD, but it has the theme song for Sonic Underground on it, for some reason. There’s a lot going on in that short song.

A Victorious Conclusion?

At this point, my wife comes home with the screaming baby and gives me crap for wasting the day drinking and playing old video games. I’m about to retort when I vomit up the booze and rancid ham I found in the back of the fridge.

Happy Anniversary Zelda! I can’t wait to see what the next 35 years will bring!

“I Love Happy Endings” — Massage Parlor Patron