Sunday is the day of rest. The day we give thanks to the Movie Lord for all his bountiful movie magnificence. However he does not always get it right. Sometimes it’s wrong. Very, very wrong. But you still love it, don’t you, you dirty little sinners. You love it, YOU LOVE IT! Once again it falls to me, the most reverend Reverend to take your confession and find out just how dirty you really like it.
As the appointed representative of the Goddess Gal Gadot here on earth, you must get deep into my box and tell me everything. She is waiting for your confession, prepared to judge you, and to judge you good and hard.
She wants to know all about your dirty little movie secrets. No trifling confession of movie-going contrarianism will sate her hunger for your movies sins. You secretly like Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice? Pathetic, weak. She is not interested in such amateur sinning. She needs hardcore cinematic sins to devour. What she wants from you is this:
Which truly, truly terrible movie do you really love?
Which movies that are objectively terrible by any conceivable measure would you take to the grave as your dirty little movie loving secret?
Are you unable to resist the Corman flavored goodness of Star Crash as Christopher Plumber and David Hasslehoff rub shoulders with a bikini-clad Caroline Munro?
Would your life not be complete without Wizards Of The Lost Kingdom stinking up your DVD collection, reminding you of when you were young and armed only with a Blockbuster card and no taste whatsoever?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, and once more I must show you the way by having my own confession first. A 1979 Italian-French-Brazilian co-operation under the watchful eye of Sir Lew Grade – Killer Fish.
A heist movie involving ravenous piranha, a tornado, and a fashion shoot? Roy Brocksmith as the fat man in a piranha movie? Best of all is The Fall Guy himself, Lee Majors, deploying what can only be described as “squint acting” while the late Margaux Hemingway displays all the range of a plank of wood.
Karen Black slinks around without the aid of a bra, Dan Pastorini shows that he should have stuck to football and James Franciscus eats scenery faster than the deadly fish eat unsuspecting cast members. The whole cast and crew clearly were only in this for a free holiday in Brazil and, to be fair, the scenery is really the star here.
It’s glorious! I love this movie deeply and it’s available on YouTube for free if you want to bask in it’s terrible magnificence.
Now it is your turn. Remember, do not anger the Goddess with your puerile and lightweight contrarian likes, as if saying you thought The Last Jedi was kind of OK will satisfy her appetites for your sin. You must make this a good one, after all you are among friends here. Confess. CONFESS!