It was a few years ago that I learned the true power of shame. I was on Epstein Island and members of the global elite were taking turns to put things in my bottom fundraising for our local orphanage with influential, wealthy people who were eager to assist. There was a moment of misunderstanding with the small Filipino man-servant of our host involving some ladies underwear and when this was discovered, I felt such intense pain that it made me realise the pain that you, my flock, must feel regularly.

On this day I made a solemn vow that I, the most reverend Reverend, would not allow your sins to burden you as they had me. With that in mind, the Confession Booth is open again.

Hark, for the Goddess does approacheth to feat upon our sins, and she must be expecting a heavy load as she appears to be wearing some form of ancient battle armor. She is also doing a war dance. A beguiling, swaying, hypnotic, sexually exciting war dance that makes me feel…

…sorry, where was I? Oh yes, your shame.


The subject of today’s confession will bring shame to our congregation, yet it is for this reason that we must prepare our souls for cleansing. A cleaned soul is a happy soul. Step into my booth, and tell me your dirty little secret.

What is your embarrassing, shameful, secret guilty viewing pleasure from television or movies?

Do you wait until the children are at school and then settle down by yourself to catch up on the suspiciously well-funded adventures of Paw Patrol? When your partner has gone to bed do you immerse yourself in the thrills and spills of the Brady and the Horton families in Days Of Our Lives? Have you been known to bust out The Sound Of Music and have a sing-a-long when alone in the house?

As I would never ask my flock to shoulder a burden I cannot bear myself, I shall also lay my soul naked before you. My shame is called Below Decks.

I know it is not made for me. I know that it is manipulative reality television with deliberate narratives constructed without full context, deploying every reality television trick in the book to make small incidents seem like big drama. I know I am better than this and the show is beneath me. Yet, I am completely addicted to it and cannot stop watching it.


There. My soul is prepared. Is yours? The Confession Booth is open. Prepare for the Goddess to feat upon your delicious televisual or cinematic sins and confess. CONFESS!


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