“Our long national nightmare is almost over.” These were the exact words of Drunken Yoda last night when I told him this news. Lately, we have seemed like Ain’t It Star Trek News around here between our cautious optimism, bordering on disbelief, about Star Trek: Picard season three actually being good and the unwelcome reminder that JJ Abrams is still attached to the cinematic Star Trek franchise. Like an unflushable turd, Star Trek: Discovery still lurked though.

The annoyance that is Degrassi Junior Starfleet meets USS Whatever 90210 was just there, tainting the universe with its existence. Annoying, borderline hateful characters behaving in completely non-professional ways making a mockery of the concept of a crew on a working vessel. Stupid, clumsily inserted emotional outbursts from what seemed like teenagers rather than professional adults working in an unforgiving environment. It was teeth-grindingly awful.

Oh, fuck off!

Well, now the turd has been flushed! The upcoming fifth season has been confirmed to be the show’s last. Star Trek: Discovery is dead, and not a moment too soon. It has been cancelled. They will make all sorts of positive noises, and try to pretend Pricks In Space wasn’t chopped down, but it was.

How do we know this?

Principal filming of the new season was practically done. Within touching distance of completion. Now this news has been announced, and they are hastily doing additional filming and reshoots to create a proper ending. These are not the actions of a show that was expecting the axe to fall. It has been cancelled.

You. All of you. Off you fuck!

Maybe they looked at the reviews and reactions for Star Trek: Picard season three and finally realized the comically awful bucket of piss they were slopping up each week was the polar opposite of what fans wanted. Imagine that? Giving the fans what they want has a positive outcome? Gasp! It will never catch on.

Either way, we are to be spared further intergalactic scowling from Captain Michael Burnham, the woman who proves that you can fail upwards even in Starfleet, and the whacky adventures of her gang of emotionally unstable millennials.

In this now final season, the USS Failing Social Media Start-Up and her crew will uncover a mystery that will send them on an epic adventure across the galaxy to find an ancient power whose very existence has been deliberately hidden for centuries. There are others on the hunt as well … dangerous foes who are desperate to claim the prize for themselves and will stop at nothing to get it.

I will do you a deal, Paramount. You end the show with them flying face-first into a black hole and all getting wiped out, and I will organize a watch party.

Star Trek: Discovery returns… we don’t care when.

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