I’m going to start by saying, I thought the first Saw was pretty good, original concept and well made. I thought all of the sequels were pointless ‘torture porn’ movies, which were all pretty much ‘people in contraptions and killed in weird ways.

I have seen most of them, I think, but I couldn’t tell you a thing about them! I gave up on the one where someone was hanging over a meat grinder or something…could have been any of them.

I did go into Spiral with an open mind, it actually looked OK, so here’s my review.

Spiral: From The Book of Bore

Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman, who has helmed three of the Saw sequels and written by Josh Stolberg and Pete Goldfinger, who have both worked on a couple of the sequels as well. It stars Chris Rock, Samuel L Jackson, Max Minghella, Marisol Nichols. The plot is:

A criminal mastermind unleashes a twisted form of justice in Spiral, the terrifying new chapter from the book of Saw.

The first 10 minutes is every buddy cop movie you have ever seen, Zeke, (Rock), is the sassy black cop, copy and paste Will Smith from Bad Boys, gets a new partner William (Minghella) and guess what? They don’t seem to get on.

There’s a female captain who’s fed up with Zeke… how could you pull something like this, blah blah blah, copy and paste Inspector Todd from Beverly Hills Cop but a woman. All the cops in the precinct hate Zeke, coz he’s once turned in a crooked cop, and it seems like every cop in the precinct is crooked, bent or on the take… this is where the story falls down.

At the start, Boz (Dan Petronijevic) is a cop who is strung up by his tongue, because he lies in court, and left for a subway train to hit him unless he rips his own tongue out.

The entire setup for the death is stupid, the way of killing this guy is pointless and the editing is terrible, with close cuts and DOF, so there is zero tension in it! A more competent director could have built some tension, but instead, it’s just out for the cheap thrills. He gets hit by the trains and his body explodes!

When Zeke and William get to the crime scene I lol’d… the guy was hit by a subway train, going at full speed, but his remains were spread over the track and about a 6-foot area. That’s not how the scene finished, there should have been remains two blocks over.

So Zeke gets on the case, against the captains wishes in a truly original idea, because the cop that died was his friend!!! But from the outset, his friend is crooked! A fact that Zeke, completely fails to miss, in all their years of friendship!!! Zeke even says that Boz once held his son, trying to show how good friends they are, but couldn’t see him lying in court?

Zeke’s dad, Marcus, (Jackson), is again every stereotype of black cop you can imagine! Zero effort on the writing and Jackson could literally have phoned this one in!

There’s a couple of flashbacks about what happens when Zeke turned in a bent copper, and the scene has Rock in a backwards baseball cap… you couldn’t make this shit up! Sam’s character says ‘I should never have let him become a cop!’ in the flashback, again a truly original idea… there really was zero effort with the writing!

The story is then the same as all the other Saw movies… Zeke trying to find out who the bad guy is, people die in stupidly constructed machines, wash, rinse, repeat.

There is a twist at the end, but you can see it coming a mile away; all I’ll say is, one of the main characters seems to just disappear halfway through the film, that’s the bad guy! When we finally get the big reveal, I rolled my eyes so much I could see out of my arse!

The whole ending was laughable! Zeke could have easily sorted it, but it’s played out so badly, again, there is zero tension! And, SPOILER, the bad guy gets away, so there might be another one.

I like Chris Rock a lot and he has turned in some great performances, but this isn’t one of them, in fact, I would say he was completely miscast in this! Sam Jackson is just being Sam Jackson. The rest of the cast are all pretty good, but working with the script they had, there’s no real stretch in performances.

There was one scene where Zeke walks away from a killing and his expression is hilarious, in a scene that should have been really serious!

There are then lots of little things, like the fact that Zeke is quite happy to pick up evidence with his hands almost all the time… in fact one scene, I thought ‘Here he goes again, picking up evidence with no gloves’ only to have one shot with no glove, then suddenly a glove in the next cut!

I’m guessing, if you like the other 8 movies, you might like this, but for me, it was a steaming pile! It’s a pity this might be a set-up for more of the same! I’m giving this 0 stars, although I have to give it half a star on here… it was a waste of my time!

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