As any of you know, nothing makes us happier here, on the cold winter nights at the Outpost, than an Outposter deciding to share something with us. It warms our hearts and therefore our souls so much that we don’t have to all cuddle Phil to keep warm. Don’t tell us you didn’t know he was a cuddler? Look at him! So it is with joy in our hearts and warmth in our not inconsiderable bellies, that we can report that one among you has contributed. Magnus Greel has seen Shotgun Wedding and he’s gonna tell you all about it.
Do you have something you want to share with your fellow Outposters? Send it over to [email protected] and become internet famous.
Shotgun In The Mouth Wedding
Due to the conventions of modern matrimony, sometimes a man must do things that they would rather not. My latest example: Spend a cold winter’s evening watching the latest J Lo movie, Shotgun Wedding, with my lovely wife. To say that this film is schizophrenic would be a disservice to the poor souls suffering from the disorder.
This total misfire is a tonal nightmare. Is it a rom-com? Is it an action movie? Is it a family drama? Clearly the filmmakers couldn’t decide. Much like the title of the film, they decided to blast away with both barrels while shooting the film, and see what they come up with in Post.
I could warn you that Spoilers may follow, but I know my audience here, and they won’t care.
Let’s start with the cast. Helping our leads (which I will get to) is a cast of notable faces that you will remember from other projects. Cheech Marin as J Lo’s wealthy father, light years away from his Cheech and Chong days. Hell, he’s light years away from his Nash Bridges days. No longer playing the stoner, he now has graduated to a nebulous multimillionaire with the yoga instructor girlfriend.
J Lo’s mom is played by Sonia Braga. Those who remember her memorable villain from the Clint Eastwood film, The Rookie, will not find that woman here. The elderly remains of Braga are Marin’s bitter ex-wife.
Also playing a parent is Jennifer Coolidge. I miss the Coolidge of Stiffler’s Mom. Her loudmouth, “brassy” broad schtick is well past the sale date. The White Lotus? Don’t watch, don’t care. Lenny Kravitz lends his limited acting skills as J Lo’s too-good-to-be-true ex-boyfriend. If you can’t see his heel turn coming in the third act, I can’t help you.
These actors, and their budget friendly salaries, surround our idiot heroes, played by Josh Duhamel and Mrs. Affleck. Duhamel’s character is an out of work baseball player, but not even a real player. He’s a DH. The “funny” part is that he cares more about the mechanics of the wedding then the bride does.
He’s so focused on making centerpieces for the wedding, that he fails to notice his blushing bride begging to get taken to pound town. For our benefit, this does help the scene become the best in the film. Ms. Lopez FINALLY gets his attention by pretending to struggle to reach something while wearing a glorious pair of white panties. I mean, fuck J Lo or glue lights to pineapples? You make the call.
Plot happens and the wedding guests are taken hostage, with only our pair of Lovebirds free on the island. The action staging is horrible, and for what is supposed to be a light hearted comedy, fairly rough. Lopez lights a bad guy’s head on fire with hairspray residue from the previous scene. The man lives, but the back of his head makes him look more suited for a Mad Max film. They have to use a motorized meat cutter to get through their zip tie handcuffs (because they are made with extra-strong plastic, I guess), which leads to Duhamel slicing open his hand.
Humor ensues because Lopez can’t stand the sight of blood. This is after Duhamel has killed one terrorist, and will so kill another in a fight.
There is the typical will they-won’t they get married, long-held (supposedly funny) family secrets are revealed. Braga eases up on her ex when it turns out the yoga instructor is in cahoots with Kravitz. Kravitz and the yoga instructor meet their ultimate demise in a parasail-helicopter accident. I know, I know, you’re doubled over in laughter.
What I’m trying to say is that if you find yourself in the position of trying to find something to watch that may appease your wife, steer clear of this mess. When my wife, who is a total J Lo apologist, says Shotgun Wedding is the worst Lopez movie she has ever seen then you know you’re in trouble.
One final note: Lopez should make sure she never uses this D.P. again in her role as Producer. The lighting and the use of close-ups in serval scenes did not do her any favors. The lines and creases were showing. Body, total smoke show.
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