The Origins

The 1980s were a decade full of cocaine and little else. Apparently, in the midst of all that glorious white powder, though, a band of ninjas led by the infamous Dragon Ninja was able to infiltrate the country and kidnap the President of the United States.

If only we had built a wall across the Pacific.

However, instead of deploying the greatest military the world has ever known to rescue its Commander in Chief, Iceman from Top Gun strolls down to his local bar and questions the masculinity of a couple of roided-out drunks hanging out there on a weekday afternoon.

There’s a fucking budget crisis after all.

He Called Them Fags, Too

Bad Dudes Vs. DragonNinja tells such a story (redubbed simply Bad Dudes on the NES). In the game, you play as either Blade or Striker on a suicidal, patriotic mission to save the symbol of our democracy from a bunch of sandal-wearing goldfish tenders.

More Bad Dudes, Less Bad Hombres

In standard 80s beat-em-up gameplay,  the titular Bad Dudes take out an army of ninjas with their flaming fists and high top sneakers.

By today’s standards, the game is too repetitive to be fun for long. Also, the arcade game pulls the old trick of making you fight every previous boss in the final stage because do you know how many quarters it takes to buy a Scarface sized desk of cocaine?

Stop Them Before They Bomb The Harbor!

There are plenty of better arcade beat-em-ups to play these days, so after watching the hilarious opening scene, it’s best just to walk away to a more interesting game. That’s not to say the premise isn’t ripe for a sequel in 2019.

The Sequel

With the recent trend of turning the tables on video game tropes, it’s time to reinvigorate the series. Unfortunately, we live in an age with such a kick-ass president that there’s no way a few puny ninjas would ever be able to capture him. Instead, it’s time for the ninjas to get the upper hand on the dudes who foiled their plans years ago. Thankfully, the years of steroids and drug abuse now gives Blade and Striker a current Lex Luger physique.

The Look of a Man Who Killed Mrs. Macho Man…Allegedly…

Not being one to let two American heroes be imprisoned by a knockoff Foot Clan, President Trump takes to the streets to smash anything in his way to right this most egregious wrong.

Pictured: A Real American

In the vein of Abobo’s Big Adventure, Bad Dudes 2: Kick-Ass President would be a love letter to 1980s video games, as the greatest president of the 21st century fights through familiar video game locales in order to bring back two guys no one has thought about in 30 years to our shores.

The opening level would be the simple beat-em-up style of the original, as President Trump destroys ninjas and SJWs on the streets of DC trying to thwart the President because “Orange Man Bad!”

After Trump fights his way to Andrews Air Force Base, he jumps in a prototype Air Force One and the game becomes a top-down shooter. From there the possibilities are endless. The only thing we know for sure is it definitely ends with a deluge of Game of the Year awards.

The Ending

In the original, President Ronnie celebrated his rescue by taking the dudes out for a burger, but Trump has brought the celebration with him.

Keep Eating. You’re Getting Closer to the Poisoned Burger!

After smashing in the robotic exoskeleton of the reborn Dragon Ninja and squashing his brain under his Gucci loafer, burgers rain down from the sky as if the NCAA Football Champions were visiting.

Stormy Daniels flashes her tits at the screen while world peace is declared because no other country in the world would dare mess with a country that has such a Kick-Ass President!

Lincoln’s Thoughts: “Fuck Yeah!”