Hey gang Eric Stoltz Junior here and welcome to RISE OF FLIMABLE. This is where I review a flim. Then I review a Lunchable. And then I decide which one is better!
Sorry it’s been a while since I did one of these. As you porbably know I’m a novelist now so that along and with the community center was really keeping me too busy to sit down for a movie without super heroes or robots.
Today’s flim I will be watching is UNICORN STORE on my ex girl friend Beth’s Netfix account starring Brie Larson and Samuel L Jackalson. With the team of Brie and Sam together a gain how can you go wrong? Let’s find out together.
Fist things fist. Alot of poeple don’t like Brie. I get it. She’s very corntoversial. But when they say she’s ugly and has feet like a gragoyle that’s where I have to disagree. I saw a naked picture of her on the internet and she’s really hot!
I respect her privacy so I will not be posting it here but I will porvide you with a very accurate yet tasteful artistic recreation of it. As you can see she is beautiful.
She’s blue like an Avatard because I couldn’t find my white poeple cranyons.
Onto the flim. UNICORN STORE is about a special needs girl named Kit who likes unicorns and painting with colors. She goes to arts and crafts school and even gets a job at a vacuum company which is apporpriate for this flim because it sucks.
Sam Jackalson’s performance was so over the top I’m suprised he didn’t just wear a dress. He plays the gay guy who wants to give Kit a unicorns. Joan Cusack and Brady Whitford are also in it they play Kit’s parents who are both gym teachers I know this because they wear matching whistles.
Yes there really is a unicorn. But she decides not to keep it because she wants it to go to some one who needs it more than her. That’s how the flim ends. Spoiler alert! So stupid! Who directed this mess any way? Oh. Brie Larson did.
And for today’s Lunchable we have. Wait.
What the hell is this?
An Armour Carcker Cruncher??
This doesn’t even have a Carpi Sun! MOM YOUR RUINING MY LIFE!!!!
And why is it all wet?
It says USE BY 6 23 2019 but as we all know expiration dates are a myth so no worries there.
I stacked my carckers and cheese and ham and Butterfigner like I was supposed to and took a bite. It was crunchy and chewey and tasted like an arm pit. Then I had porblems opening the Hawaiain Punch juice box. I got it all over my self there was hardly enough left to wash the taste of the ham away. Fortutately I wasn’t wearing any clothes so I didn’t ruin them.
So even though my Carcker Cruncher wasn’t a real Lunchable it kind of worked out since UNICORN STORE wasn’t really a movie. I guess it comes down to which one was less bad? If that’s the case the winner of FLIMABLES RISES is….. Armour Ham Crackle Crunchers!
FUCK YOU ARMOUR!!!
Keep it cool,
Eric Stoltz Junior
Before you go here’s an extra special sneak peak of my new novel POUNDED IN THE BUTT BY MY REAL ESTATE AGENT TICOSAURUS.
And then… Penetration. The dong was inside me thrusting deeper and deeper. Her talons dug into my shoulders. Her bangs tickled the back of my neck. The sensation was a swirling mix of pleasure and pain. But it wasn’t gay because Ticosaurus was a lady.
FOLLOY ME ON TWITTER @ESTOLTZJUNIOR