Today, our Outposters from across the pond are all observing the national spectacle that is the funeral of Her Majesty The Queen. All except for Boba Phil, that is. He’s muttering darkly into his Republican Society coffee mug that he doesn’t know what all the fuss is about. With all this pomp and ceremony on display, we are reminded of the saying that America goes big into showbiz because they don’t have Royalty. The biggest showbiz night of the year remains the Oscars.

British funerals. A bit showy.

Just like Boba Phil, we don’t know what the fuss is about. Well, the Oscars are just so dull, aren’t they? It’s a roundly awful night full of insincere applause, vapid, empty sentiment and preening clotheshorses congratulating themselves for playing dress up and make-believe while speaking words others have written for them. Can you genuinely imagine anything more horrific than the Vanity Fair party?

Last year they tried to liven it up a bit by having two black fellas fight, like it was Vegas, but even that was as sanitised as the limp humor and ended up just as a bit of slapping.

So what to do? How do you make the most sanctimonious night of the year more exciting? Other than inviting Will Smith back for a rematch.

This thankless task now has producers. Veteran Emmy winners Glenn Weiss and Ricky Kirshner have been announced and have to try and pull the Oscars out of the mire and reverse the steeply declining rating for the 95th Academy Awards. Weiss has directed seven previous Oscar shows.

“Who are you wearing?” Oh… f*ck off!

This was announced by the new CEO of the Academy, Bill Kramer, yesterday during a special event for members at their museum. Already they have a challenge. Namely how to honor all filmmaking crafts without sending people to sleep over a seven hour ceremony.

For this year’s ceremony several awards were pre-recorded and then edited back into the broadcast. This caused upset as it was felt these categories were being devalued.

The Academy statement, which I had to read on their website so you don’t have to, talks about a need to:

“…push both a love and reverence for film throughout the ceremony and an emotional investment in the nominees…”

The Oscars will be held on Sunday, March 12th at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles. That is part of the problem. Such a dull venue in theatre style. Listen up Academy. This is how you do an awards show…

Set it up cabaret style, not theatre style. Start serving booze, and plenty of it, really early. Then sit back and wait for the ad-hoc entertainment to unfold. It’s what the music industry does. You will get at least one falling off a wagon, a tearful confession, a punch-up, an expose of an affair, and probably a couple of comedy falls.

Imagine Smith vs. Rock round II if they are both properly liquored up?

You know it makes sense! Get a bunch of celebs good and drunk and then turn them on each other. Then maybe we will tune in again.

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