The first trailer for Prey, the Predator prequel has been released and it looks… as totally ridiculous as to be expected.

This is the latest in a string of sequels and prequels that have tried and failed to capitalise on the success of the 1987 Arnie classic. To be fair, how can you improve on perfection? Well, by 2022’s standards the answer is by replacing 6’2”, 240lb Arnold Schwarzenegger with a 5’5”, 120lb woman. 

Prey 4
I shall defeat you, Predator, using only my pronouns.

Come On, Kill Me, Do It Now!

Prey is set in the Comanche Nation 300 years in the past and is the untold story of a young woman, Naru, a fierce and highly skilled warrior raised amongst some of the greatest hunters who roamed The Great Plains.

As we all know from the original, the Predator likes to fight on an even footing. This is why at the end of the original, Dutch manages to finally beat the Predator without his machine guns, grenades and his cigar. He was outmatched on a technological footing so was forced to go back to basics.

I believe it is because of this that the suits in Hollywood thought the Predator was susceptible to naturally made weapons and came up with the idea for Prey. Silly people.

Prey 1
Look at the determination in her eyes. Stunning and brave,

Sexual Tyrannosaurus’

There are many reasons why Dutch won and it wasn’t just because of bows and arrows and smearing himself in mud. No, it was a combination of decades long military training, a basic understanding of the Predator’s technology, and pure brute strength.

Dutch knew, through understanding 20th century technology, that the Predator could only see using heat vision. This is why he covered himself in mud. This is something of which Naru would have absolutely no comprehension.

Dutch also blended his left over modern weapons with the environment, like wrapping his explosive ammo in leaves and covering them in mud to hide them from the sensors of the  Predator.

Finally, after the Predator had given Dutch a severe beat down, proving that even a 6’2”, 240lb man was no match for the Predator, Dutch lured him into a trap. There he managed to drop a tree onto the Predator’s head. A tree that Dutch has managed to hoist aloft using nothing but Alpha-Male-Super-Straight Strength.


If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It

And now we get back to the trailer with Naru and her tribe. We see our heroine unable to defeat a bear using her bow and arrow or her intellect. She fruitlessly fires a bow at the bear and then decides to try and out run it. Just for the record, a bear can run at speeds of up to 35mph. So you go girlfriend!

As the bear is about to eat her skinny arse for dinner she’s saved… by the Predator. So she can’t beat a bear but we’re expected to believe that Naru can take on a highly intelligent, heavily armed, trained Predator with laser weapons and fighting skills!?

Look, I’m not going to lie, this looks like crap. You know it and I know it. So let’s just cut to the chase and watch the trailer.

Stick Around

Just for extra virtue signalling points, the film will be available to watch in Comanche Language so you can hear the characters speak as they would have 300 years ago. You just know some blue hairs are going to do this whilst sucking on a soy milk latte through a paper straw and live tweeting about how virtuous they are whilst the film is on.

And just for the record, I’m calling it now that this Predator will also be female.

Lady Predator

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