When there is no room left in development hell, then 80s toy lines with cartoons shall walk the Earth.  He-Man continues to struggle to the screen as studio after studio searches for a way to de-camp it and control budgets while creating Eternia.  While we wait for that Paramount and their partners in crime at Hasbro are pushing another one.

Bad Boys for Life scribe Chis Bremner is turning his pen to M.A.S.K., a movie adaptation of the famed 1980s toy line.

M.A.S.K. not Mask! Back in your box Harry Knowles!

No, not that one! The 1980s Kenner action figures and vehicles made up Mobile Armored Strike Kommand (M.A.S.K.), a task force whose vehicles were capable of transforming into other vehicles to complete a variety of missions.  Like many toy lines at that time it had a thinly veiled advertisement in the form of its own cartoon show.

They were locked in a child friendly, low body-count struggle with criminal organisation V.E.N.O.M. of Very Evil Network Of Mayhem.  Way to disguise your true role and purpose idiots!  Why not try and be at least a little subtle.  If you want to rip apart Western society causing suffering, division and hate to tear down traditional power structure why not call yourself Facebook or something?

What a great concept.  Secret agent types in high tech vehicles that can switch modes.  Hidden bases.  Evil organisations.  Cars.  Explosions.  Surely even those idiots in Hollywood couldn’t mess this up, right?  It should be a total home run!  Release this and sit back and wait for the money to roll-in?

Well of course they can.  In another entry for the “Everyone in Hollywood is a moron” files comes the news that this movie will be:

“…a contemporary subculture movie with a youth empowerment angle…”

Oh FFS!  Is there nothing you can’t turn to absolute shit with your idiocy Hollywood?  Just once can’t you just take a good idea and run with it without your reverse Midas touch ruining everything for everyone?  Is there nobody in your godforsaken town with the tiniest thread of common sense?

As you are a brain dead culture operating on a “monkey-see, monkey-do” basis let me put it like this.  Remember Thunderbirds?  Remember how ALL anyone wanted was to see those cool ships doing lots of cool rescue stuff on the big screen with all their cool equipment?

Remember how you then ignored that, trapped the Thunderbirds in space then made it all about those kids on that island as, I don’t know, maybe some kind of “youth empowerment angle” ?  Remember what happened to that movie?

Look, learn, recognise, understand you absolute idiots.  Nobody cares about your sub-culture and youth empowerment stuff.  Nobody.  Show us the cool cars!

F. Gary Gray (The Fate of the Furious) is attached to direct and produce for Fenix Studios and Allspark Pictures.  Bremner will be on this as soon as he has finished writing a third National Treasure feature at Disney.