About halfway through the 3-hour run time of this partial adaptation of the Stephen King novel IT, a monster that is about as terrifying a Teddy Ruxpin projectile vomits a black liquid all over a guy. Suddenly a song begins to play:

As this happens, what you already knew is confirmed beyond any doubt. Yep, this is a terrible movie.

To be fair, I think a lot of people involved in this thing tried their damnedest to make a good movie. Unfortunately, they failed. Miserably.

Let’s start with the acting. There are some good performances in here. The black guy is good (this movie isn’t even worth me bothering to look up any names unless I already know them) and so is the kid that plays Freddy Freeman in Shazam!. That’s about it.

Everybody else is either forgettable (handsome guy that used to be a fat kid, and skeletal Jessica Chastain to name a few) to downright terrible. Stephen King has an extended cameo that looks like it belongs in summer stock performance of Death of A Salesman presented by the Hayden Christiansen School of Acting. Finally, there are Bill Hader and James MacAvoy’s dueling Razzie caliber performances.

Pennywise is a tricky performance to rate, as it would be good if he wasn’t such a dumb, laughably void-of-horror, 3rd rate Freddy Krueger knock-off.

Besides the acting there are plenty of other stupid things to criticize in this idiotic waste of time.

Let’s list some!

  1. Jump scares that aren’t scary, but funny. Add in a bunch of strobe lights to make it extra “scary”!
  2. There’s a bunch of jokes about how James MacAvoy’s character, a horror author, has never written anything better than a terrible ending to every one of his books. It isn’t very funny the first time via a cameo by Peter Bogdonavich, nor the other 59 times it happens.
  3. Pennywise’s “origin” is he’s an alien that crash-landed like a comet and has battled Native American tribes for countless centuries.
  4. There’s a jawless, zombie sidekick for that mullet guy from the first one. The zombie drives around in a choice 1978 Trans Am and just suddenly stops being in the movie about halfway through, without explanation.
  5. Pennywise basically doesn’t do anything. He scares the protagonists individually but he’s about as threatening as Toucan Sam in these scenes. Besides that, there isn’t much else to say (except for maybe his death scene which involves him turning into some shriveled up clown baby, which is about as ridiculous as it sounds).
  6. Speaking of the protagonists, they spend about an hour looking for these “personal talismans” that can destroy Pennywise. When they get to the climax they don’t even work. At all. A total waste of time. Just like this stupid movie.

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