House Of Gucci is out to buy on Blu-ray today so no better time to review it for you beautiful heathens. It’s a biographical crime drama based on the book The House of Gucci: A Sensational Story of Murder, Madness, Glamour, and Greed by Sara Gay Forden.

The Director

Ridley Scott is like Marmite, you either love him or hate him. I’m the former but I wouldn’t say I love him because that would be weird.

Whenever you mention Scott, there are two films in particular that get everyone’s arse hairs in a twist – Prometheus and Covenant. For some reason, they overshadow the greatness that gave us Alien, Blade Runner, Gladiator, Black Hawk Down, Thelma & Louise, The Martian, and many more. He deserves more respect than what he gets.

Ridley Scott Alien
Ripley and Ridley. Coincidence? I think not.

The Set-Up

The trailer showed us the world of 1980s Italian fashion, wicked music, unimaginable wealth, dapper suits,, and of course a stellar cast of Al Pacino, Jeremy Irons, Adam Driver, Jared Leto, Salma Hayek and… Lady Gaga? Whatever. This has all the ingredients for something epic, and in the hands of Ridley, what could possibly go wrong?

House of Gucci Disco
I miss the 80s.

It Went Wrong

Scott’s films are always visually stunning, but for some reason he went with that horrible desaturated style that most of Hollywood seem obsessed with right now. Ridders, you had the fashion world, in the 80s to play with man, what were you doing FFS!?

I know you are not meant to like any of these characters, but even the most corrupt characters on film have something that makes you want to watch them, maybe even root for them at times. Nope, not this lot. It’s incredible that such a wealth of talent was unable to give any of these real-life characters a personality.

House of Gucci
Hello darkness my old friend.

What A Waste

The editing was beyond a joke. You know when you watch deleted scenes on the special features section of a Blu-Ray and the scene just ends, unfinished, unloved and not syncing with the next one? Yep, that’s what this entire movie felt like.

We get Leto hamming it up every scene because he’s a narcissistic, egomaniac who thinks he’s the 21st century equivalent of Sir Laurence Olivier. It’s Joker-esque but with him in a fat suit this time around.

Lady Gaga obviously thought the way to play someone a little unhinged is just to walk around with her eyes bulging out. All that did was make her look like she’s been eating that meat dress of hers without any vegetables and is now constipated.

And for some reason, Ridley thought it would be a good idea for there to be a sex scene between Adam Driver and Lady Gaga.

Spoiler Warning

Turn away if you want to remain pure for that scene. However, if you have wondered what a catfish mating with a pig might look like, then this is for you!

House of Gucci Piggy
Squeal like a pig.

Spoilers

So after about two hours of nothing, Patrizia Gucci (Lady Gaga) hires hit-men to kill her husband, Maurizio Gucci (Adam Driver) after he decides to leave her for another woman and start a new life.

So, he gets assassinated and just as things start to get interesting, it skips two years… what!?

Nothing about the impact his death had on the fashion or business world, the investigation into his murder, the arrests, or even the actual trial. Nope, they just put up some text (China Fight Club style) saying they all got caught and sentenced to a 25 year stretch.

Conclusion

It’s as if Ridley Scott did a Joe Biden and decided he’d had enough of the subject matter and simply shuffled off to get some ice cream and leave everyone else to it.

This film would have been better as an 8 episode series like Pam & Tommy or the American Crime Story series and put in the hands of someone at least pretending they gave a crap.

So thanks a lot Ridley, I now have to eat the shit burger I’m about to be fed in the comments section because I always stick up for you. Thanks pal.

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