I am a typical straight guy. Whatever the male equivalent of a Basic Karen is. I like football and beer and movies about aliens and machine guns while cars explode in slo-mo in the background. Throw in a big shark and I am pretty much happy for two hours.

That also means that when it comes to home furnishings I have no imagination whatsoever. Sure, I like good design, but I really can’t be expected to spend any time or effort acquiring such good design from multiple places, or even thinking about it for more than about 5 minutes, absolute limit, on any shopping trip. That would use up valuable beer time.

Luckily, for us Basic Karens… or Kevins… whatever, luckily there is place to go to furnish our entire homesteads without expending a single droplet of sweat on design considerations because somebody else, possibly called Sven Johansson or something similar, has already done all that for us. I always imagine Sven has some very cool glasses and drinks a lot of coffee.

That place is called Ikea (other Swedish furniture stores are available) and it’s tailor made for us. Never, ever go there with your partner though as YOU WILL have an argument. Once you have negotiated your way around co-habiting couples screaming at each other over which shade of Billy bookcase to buy you can get everything from a desk to a couch to some new saucepans.  And candles. So many candles. Why do we need candles? We don’t know but Mrs Stark says we do. So many candles.

Over the years I have become something of an Ikea Ninja, able to not get trapped in it’s incomprehensible way one system. I can pick out the best times to avoid crowds. When alone I can make it to the marketplace without a bag full of candles (so many candles) and I can sling together a Malm drawer unit it under 30 minutes.

So this is right up my street! New Republic Pictures, the production house behind 1917, has optioned a comedy-horror novel Horrorstor.

The story, by New York Times best-selling author Grady Hendrix, is set at a familiar, yet different, cavernous Swedish furniture store in Cleveland, Ohio. One morning employees arrive to find stock wrecked in the store. When security cameras reveal nothing the panicked managers accept some of the employees volunteering to work a nightshift. They will patrol the empty store at night in an effort to catch the culprits.

Apparently a real image captured on a store CCTV camera

What they find is terror beyond their most horrific nightmares in a horror story with a twist that, according to the jacket, features:

“…Infinite aisles, murderous ghosts, and incomprehensible faux-Scandinavian names.”

The project was previously set up as a television series but has instead been pushed to a feature. Sitting at my Ikea desk in my home office as I write this has just put a chill up my spine.