“Another Star Wars article about how Disney sucks and doesn’t understand the franchise at all?”


How in the name of Great Caesar’s Ghost can a company spend billions of dollars on a property they don’t remotely understand? Well I suppose to make money was the reason, but putting out a terrible product that flies in the face of the basic concepts of the established universe isn’t the way to do that.

Seriously there is so much stupid stuff in these movies it would take hours to list them all so I’m just going to hit a few highlights. Starting with…

The Force

In the real Star Wars movies, there is “The Force” and “The Dark Side of the Force”. That’s it. There is nothing with the name “The Light Side”. Make no mistake “The Light Side” exists, but guess what its called? The Force.

Speaking of the Force, Jedi Little Dorrit aka Rey just knows how to use the Force with no possible explanation as to how she could do so since she has never encountered an individual using the Force before in any capacity.

Hell, she can beat Anakin Skywalker’s grandson in a lightsaber duel with zero training and perform Jedi Mind Tricks as well as Obi-Wan Kenobi on her first try (despite the fact that she shouldn’t even know that this power even exists).

To quote Han Solo:

“That’s not how the Force works”.

She taught Yoda everything he knows.

Speaking of Rey…

Luke Needs Rey To Translate For Chewie

Luke and Chewie have been friends for over 30 years so they should be able to understand each other at this point, right? Wrong. In The Last Jedi, we have a scene at the beginning of the movie where Luke, Rey, and Chewbacca have a conversation. Rey naturally acts as the translator between Luke and his Wookie pal. How is Rey fluent in the Wookie language when she spent her entire life living in the desert all by herself selling AT-AT parts? Don’t worry about it. She knows how to do it, just like everything else.

Also, how did she end up with…

Anakin’s Lightsaber

How in the hell did this lightsaber get off Bespin or for that matter how did it even get out of that ventilation shaft in Cloud City? “A story for another time” my ass (screw you, Maz you godawful non-character). I’m guessing that “story” will be told never.

Sofia was always my favorite Golden Girl.

There are rumors that they shot a scene of the lightsaber floating through space still being clutched by Luke’s severed hand. This idea is so stupid it has to be true.

Speaking of dumb ideas let’s take a second to talk about one of the dumbest…

Space Fuel

Did a single person who watched a Star Wars movie before Disney took over really spend time thinking about if the spaceships needed fuel to run? I certainly didn’t. I just assumed they had some self-sustaining batteries or something. Regardless, it didn’t matter. At all.

So the big brains at Disney thought this was important enough to have the plots of The Last Jedi and the Solo revolve around getting this stuff.

Speaking of Solo this movie introduced us to…

Female Imperial Officers

Remember how in the Original Trilogy the Empire (bad guys) was comprised completely of old, white (British) guys and that the Rebellion (good guys) was pretty diverse with a mixture of races and sexes in leadership positions? Seems pretty obvious and intentional right?

Well here comes Solo (which I actually like overall) with women in the Imperial Navy, completely missing the point (which was fairly on the nose during the Carter/Reagan years).

I’ve saved the best (worst?) for last. Of course, I am talking about…

Darth Vader At The End Of Rogue One

Of course, I am referring to the scene where Darth Vader kills a bunch of unarmed guys to get to the Tantive IV at the beginning of Star Wars. A lot of people like this scene and it is pretty cool, but Darth Vader wouldn’t do that.

Let me explain.

In the original trilogy and the prequels, we see plenty of Jedi characters use their blue/green/purple lightsabers in non-duel situations. However, never once does a character using a red lightsaber use their lightsaber for anything except dueling.

It isn’t hard to imagine that the Darth Vader we see in Star Wars even has his lightsaber with him at the beginning of the movie. He has no reason to use it since he doesn’t expect to encounter any Jedi.

Throughout the original trilogy, Darth Vader relies on the Force or the brute strength of his robotic body to deal with his enemies. To use his lightsaber in these circumstances is beneath him.

What about Anakin in Revenge of the Sith? Everyone he kills is with a blue lightsaber in that movie, and his transformation into Darth Vader isn’t complete until he loses his limbs on Mustafar and is placed into the suit.

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