It’s Monday, and to give you that nice warm fuzzy feeling to start your week off I have the winners of the Critics Choice Awards.
So last night, the luvvies and nonces of Hollywood had another awards ceremony. They spent the evening wearing clothes that cost more money than your car. Drank expensive alcohol and ate a plate of pretentious food for which the price would be the equivalent of a month’s groceries. And they likely did all this while lecturing us, the little people, on how we should live our lives and be better people.
I won’t bore you with all the nominees, I’ll just give you the winners. I can sense your excitement! Here goes:
FILM
Best Actor
Paul Giamatti, The Holdovers.
This movie is making some noise so I’ll have to seek it out and review it.
Best Actress
Emma Stone, Poor Things.
I’m glad Lily Gladstone didn’t win this time. Three hours of acting like you are sick is not an achievement.
Best Supporting Actor
Robert Downey Jr., Oppenheimer. Deserved.
Best Supporting Actress
Da’Vine Joy Randolph, The Holdovers.
Best Young Actor/Actress
Dominic Sessa, The Holdovers.
Best Acting Ensemble
Oppenheimer.
“Wait, I beat Cillian Murphy?!”
Best Picture
Oppenheimer.
I seem to be in the minority for loving Maestro which wasn’t even nominated!
Best Director
Christopher Nolan, Oppenheimer.
Best Adapted Screenplay
Cord Jefferson, American Fiction.
This movie actually sounds quite good. I’ll have to check this out too, but it’s a shame it stars Jeffrey “mumbling” Wright.
Best Original Screenplay
Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach, Barbie. Whatevs!
Best Cinematography
Hoyte van Hoytema, Oppenheimer.
The different styles and techniques to capture the various eras of Maestro by Matthew Libatique would have been my choice.
Best Production Design
Sarah Greenwood, Katie Spencer, Barbie.
Best Costume Design
Jacqueline Durran, Barbie. Meh.
Janty Yates and David Crossman’s work on Napoleon takes my vote.
Best Hair and Makeup
Barbie.
Winning all the girly categories.
Best Comedy
Barbie. An ironic LOL.
Best Song
“I’m Just Ken,” Barbie.
A little video of Shawn T’s boyfriend, Ryan Goslin’s reaction is below.
Best Score
Ludwig Göransson, Oppenheimer.
Best Visual Effects
Oppenheimer.
Nah, The Creator was far better.
Best Animated Film
Spider-Man Mile Morales: Across the Spider-Verse. Well deserved.
Best Foreign Language Film
Anatomy of a Fall.
Ludwig Göransson
TELEVISION
Best Drama Series
Succession.
Best Actor in a Drama Series
Kieran Culkin, Succession. Deserved.
Best Actress in a Drama Series
Sarah Snook, Succession. Also deserved.
Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
Billy Crudup, The Morning Show.
The only shining light in this woke nonsense of a show.
Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Elizabeth Debicki, The Crown. Would.
Best Comedy Series
The Bear.
By far the best show on TV right now.
Best Actor in a Comedy Series
Jeremy Allen White, The Bear.
Best Actress in a Comedy Series
Ayo Edebiri, The Bear.
Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Ebon Moss-Bachrach, The Bear.
This show is pissing all over the competition.
Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Meryl Streep, Only Murders in the Building.
I detest this nonce lover.
Best Limited Series
Beef.
Best Movie Made for Television
Quiz Lady.
I’ve heard nothing but bad things about this show. No One Will Save You gets my vote.
Best Actor in a Limited Series or Movie Made for Television
Steven Yeun, Beef. Curtains.
Best Actress in a Limited Series or Movie Made for Television
Ali Wong, Beef.
Nope. Kaitlyn Dever from No One Will Save You for me.
Best Supporting Actor in a Limited Series or Movie Made for Television
Jonathan Bailey, Fellow Travelers.
Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or Movie Made for Television
Maria Bello, Beef.
Best Foreign Language Series
Lupin. I don’t care.
Best Animated Series
Scott Pilgrim Takes Off.
Slim pickings from this selection.
Best Talk Show
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.
Are talk shows still a thing?!
Best Comedy Special
John Mulaney: Baby J.
No Gervais or Chapelle – I wonder why!?
And that’s a wrap for the Critics Choice Awards. See you again soon for the Oscars or whatever back-patting exercise these psychopaths are attending next.
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