The West strikes back! They send us a global pandemic that kills nearly 2 million people, according to the official figures, we respond by hitting them with F9: The Fast Saga early.

That will show them!

Although it may have broken some global Human Rights convention and result in somebody going to The Hague accused of crimes against humanity. Maybe a nuke would have been a more humane response?

Due to the recovery of many overseas markets ahead of the US, South America and Europe, Universal Pictures has decided to release the ninth movie in the cars and fambly franchise on May 21st. This is a whole five weeks before the US.

Russia, South Korea, the Middle East, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Singapore, and Vietnam will also get F9: The Fast Saga on that day. This means about a day later it will be available online, in that massive video store in Bodrum Market, Turkey, and a few pub car parks in the UK.

China has contributed over $1 billion in box-office to the franchise. Those industrious little Communists can’t get enough of a guy who is a few burgers away from fat, mumbling about fambly in a dirty vest while ignoring the laws of physics.

F9

The film’s director Justin Lin spoke to Heat Vision to confirm that the end is nigh. F9: The Fast Saga is the first of a three-part conclusion to the franchise and that he will direct all of them. This is a change from the previous plan that Fast 10 would be the end:

“I was thinking of it as one chapter. It became very clear to me that if we were going to do that, we were going to need some real estate. To the studio’s credit, it was like, ‘Yeah, let’s do it.’ That’s what we’ve been doing since I’ve been back…processing it as almost like a trilogy as a final chapter.

I know we’ve been talking about the final chapter for about ten years, and now that we’re starting to see it come to life, it’s very gratifying.”

Spin-off Hobbs And Shaw made good money and is getting a sequel. Will we see the two biggest names in the franchise come back in the form of Jason Statham and Dwayne Johnson? Feels like they need to if it’s all a big conclusion:

“I never really considered them gone, you know? To me, they’re still in this universe; they’re part of this family.

Whatever we do, whenever we’re talking about the next chapter, I never feel like I have any restrictions, so I’m excited for what we build, and as we’re coming to this kind of final chapter of this saga, I think I’m excited to revisit.”

I can’t figure out if these movies are utter crap or some kind of truly bonkers joke and we are building up to the punchline, or now basically a parody of themselves. Judge for yourself:

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